Week 13 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
THE GROOVERS
Coach Hunt (2nd time this season)
158.03 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
IFL’s 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ
Coach Curtis (2nd time this season)
Jerry Jeudy - 42.3 pts

The playoffs are finally beginning to take shape! We had four teams clinch this week.

The first, who else, but the Two-Time, ‘17 & ‘20 Champ - Doc Belichick. He won handily against Austin this week 132-96 and with a 10-3 record he closes out the X-IA division for the 2nd time in his 3 years there. He had 2 Papa Jord division titles previously, so this is his 4th division win overall, and 6th-ever playoff appearance.

Speaking of Papa Jord, the man himself would clinch his namesake division title this week against the Scallon Express 133-107, the 4th time he has done so, and the 7th-time he’ll find the playoffs. Jord and Jack are the only ones vying now for the remaining title of Regular Season Champ and the first overall seed.

With his currently league best, 4 consecutive wins, Brady would clinch his first ever Cul-de-Sack division title since moving there in 2022, kicking the Aspen Dummies down the mountain this week 141-98. Brady had previously won X-IA 3 times, so this is his 4th division win all-time, and his 4th-ever playoff appearance.

Finally, the first wildcard seed has been clinched by Hunt and the GROOVERS, who would put up a league-high 158 points this week, eliminating Curtis from CdS contention, who still mustered a commendable 139 points. It’s Hunt’s first ever wildcard-bid, and his fourth playoff appearance all-time.

With Aaron’s loss this week to TC 125-138, and Drew’s win this week over Nick 103-68, it sets up the possibility that Drew could steal the division from him in Week 14 if the same thing were to happen again - Aaron loses and Drew wins - since Drew has the head-to-head tiebreaker.

Otherwise, it’s down to the remaining wildcard spot and the 2 PPG-playoff bids. Currently, Qualley is in the driver seat for the wildcard, and a win next week would clinch it for him. If Nelson clinches the BSC next week, that leaves Drew (117 PPG), TC (116 PPG), and the Commish’ (115 PPG) as the top contenders for those final 2 slots. However, if Qualley were to lose, and TC, Drew, or Jesse to win, a myriad of head-to-head tiebreaker scenarios would come into play to determine who would get the wildcard slot. Qualley is more or less a lock for at least a PPG-bid though with a season-average 125 PPG.

One final week and four seeds still up for grabs. Get your popcorn, boys.

Current Playoff Standings

  1. Jack’s Tuna with Spicy Mustard (10-3) [X-IA Champ] *Clinched Playoffs & Top 2 Seed

  2. Jord’s The Control Room (9-4) [Papa Jord’s Champ] *Clinched Playoffs & Top 2 Seed

  3. Aaron’s No Nonsense Nelson (8-5) [Boy Scout Cyclone Leader]

  4. Brady’s ALL-TIME D (7-6) [Cul-de-Sack Champ] *Clinched Playoffs & Top 4 Seed

  5. Hunt’s Groovers (9-4) [Clinched Wildcard] X-IA *Clinched Playoffs & Top 6 Seed

  6. Qualley’s DSM Football Team (8-5) [Wildcard Leader] Papa Jord’s

  7. Drew’s Briar’s Haunting Chorus (7-6) [PPG Leader - 117 PPG] Boy Scout Cyclones

  8. TC’s The TCU (7-6) [PPG Leader - 116 PPG] Papa Jord’s

Bubble Teams

  • Jesse's Aspen Dummies (7-6) 107 PPG X-IA

  • (+3) Zach’s Spawn of Satan (6-7) 115 PPG Cul-de-Sack

  • Ewoldt’s The Course Rangers (6-7) 110 PPG X-IA

  • (-2) The Scallon Express (6-7) 104 PPG Boy Scout Cycl8*ones

  • (-1) Curtis’ IFL’s 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ (5-7) 107 PPG CdS

Bounty Tracker

Here’s the trajectory of this year’s $20 bounty:

Nick earns the bounty Week 1 scoring the lowest point total in the league, and loses it to the Commish’ in Week 2.

The Commish’ loses it to Brady in Week 3.

Brady loses is to Nelson in Week 4.

Nelson loses it to Jesse in Week 5.

Jesse’s epic 7-game win streak would have him carry the bounty all the way to this week, week 11, where he would finally lose to the Scallon Express.

Scallon loses it to Qualley in Week 12, fends off Ewoldt in Week 13, and will carry it to the Bounty Brawl in Week 14, between him and Duncan.

Another solid outing from Papa Jord’s has them usurp the throne from X-IA in the penultimate week, the first time all season that X-IA hasn’t sat on top. With one week to go, it’s down to those two for top division, and if Papa Jord’s can hold on to their narrow lead, it will be the third consecutive win for the division, and 5th overall, which would tie the Cul-de-Sack for most all-time. If X-IA can re-gain, it would be their first ever Best Division title.

TC has a perfect week of pick ‘em and hurdles Jesse to command second place, but is 5 games back from the Commish’.

The Commissioner

Week 12 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
No Nonsense Nelson
Coach Aaron
185.33 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
ALL-TIME D
Coach Brady
Josh Jacobs - 31.1 pts (Saquon Barkley has 47.7 points, but as Aaron cannot win both weekly awards it’s passed onto Brady. It would have been the 4th time Barkley won player of the week.)

Week 12 brought us a divisional lead change in the Cul-de-Sack, as Curtis lost a heartbreaker against Chris 95.09 - 96.78, and fell to 5-7, while Brady would quad-kemosabe Hunt 143-93, and climbs to 6-6. It’s the first time a CdS team has had a .500 record or better since Week 8. It’s also Brady’s third consecutive win, and with Jack’s loss this week, it makes Brady the winstreak leader in the IFL to boot. Brady’s in command of the CdS for now, but with two weeks to go, Curtis and the Commish’ are hot on his heels, each a game back.

With Jack’s winstreak finally snapping, curtesy X-IA rival Ewoldt, who would win 124-106, it was accompanied by widespread mediocre performances in the division, with Hunt and Jesse both posting sub-100 totals this week, and the division going 1-3 overall. Jesse’s loss also dropped him from the current playoff seeding, as Qualley would pick up a win this week over Scallon 137-83 and though they share a 7-5 record, Qualley holds the head-to-head tiebreaker over Jesse.

Qualley’s Des Moines Football Team has been the most consistently high scoring team in the league, with the lowest standard deviation of any team with more than 112 PPG and the third best all-play record. It cannot be a coincidence that our international man of mystery is also a newly father, nor can I shake the fact that I bumped into him Saturday by chance and my Spawn of Satan would snap their 5 game losing streak, easily knocking off the The TCU 121-100. I now find myself frantically scouring the generally neighborhood of his house in a desperate attempt to recreate the magic.

With just two weeks to go, believe it or not, no team has clinched a playoff spot, but the closest to that point is certainly Nelson, who now holds a two game lead in the BSC, and who just posted the second highest score of the season, a ridiculous 185.33 points. He is the only team to score 180 points or more this season, and he’s done it twice in the last four weeks! This performance also has him usurp the title of points leader from Hunt, averaging 129 PPG on the season. Jord’s dangerous Control Room also snuck past Hunt this week with his 141 point performance, and he now averages 126 PPG, though he still has yet to close out Papa Jord’s.

Current Playoff Standings

  1. Jack’s Tuna with Spicy Mustard (9-3) [X-IA Leader]

  2. Jord’s The Control Room (8-4) [Papa Jord’s Leader]

  3. Aaron’s No Nonsense Nelson (8-4) [Boy Scout Cyclone Leader]

  4. (+4) Brady’s ALL-TIME D (6-6) [Cul-de-Sack Leader]

  5. Hunt’s Groovers (8-4) [Wildcard Leader] X-IA

  6. (+1) Qualley’s DSM Football Team (7-5) [Wildcard Leader] Papa Jord’s

  7. (+4) Drew’s Briar’s Haunting Chorus (6-6) [PPG Leader - 118 PPG] Boy Scout Cyclones

  8. (+1) TC’s The TCU (6-6) [PPG Leader - 114 PPG] Papa Jord’s

Bubble Teams

  • (-3) Jesse's Aspen Dummies (7-5) 108 PPG X-IA

  • The Scallon Express (6-6) 105 PPG Boy Scout Cyclones

  • (+1) Ewoldt’s The Course Rangers (6-6) 111 PPG X-IA

  • (-8) Curtis’ IFL’s 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ (5-7) 107 PPG CdS

  • Zach’s Spawn of Satan (5-7) 113 PPG Cul-de-Sack

Bounty Tracker

Here’s the trajectory of this year’s $20 bounty:

Nick earns the bounty Week 1 scoring the lowest point total in the league, and loses it to the Commish’ in Week 2.

The Commish’ loses it to Brady in Week 3.

Brady loses is to Nelson in Week 4.

Nelson loses it to Jesse in Week 5.

Jesse’s epic 7-game win streak would have him carry the bounty all the way to this week, week 11, where he would finally lose to the Scallon Express.

Scallon loses it to Qualley in Week 12, and he will now carry it into his game with Ewoldt in Week 13.

A monster week by Papa Jord’s and another fumble from X-IA shortens the gap to just 2 games! X-IA, who was up by 44 games at one points, is doing everything they can to throw away the top division crown with two weeks to go. Can they hold on to their all but disappeared lead?

A perfect week for the consensus, not so much for the Commish’. The pack cuts the lead down to 4.

The Commissioner

Week 11 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
The Control Room
Coach Jord
167.72 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
IFL’s 3-Peak Pick ‘Em Champ
Coach Curtis
Taysom Hill - 42.7 pts (Highest point total by a weekly award winner this season, but only the 4th highest score this season. The three players to outscore Taysom all earned their respective coaches the highest scoring team award that particular week and weren’t eligible.)

Just 3 weeks to go in the regular season, and every division is shaping up to come down to the wire.

In the CdS, Curtis and Brady pick up wins, Brady just by the skin of his teeth over Duncan 123-122, and move their 3-way tie into a 2-way tie with the Commish’ losing. Crucially, Curtis holds the head-to-head tiebreaker over Brady, but even with Nick getting routed this week and down two games, he’s still in the mix.

The BSC, which once looked like Nelson would walk away with it, as he was up 3 games, is now within reach for the Scallon Express. Nelson lost his second game in a row, this week getting his mailman uniform blown off by Jord 119-168. Scallon, who finally broke Jesse’s winning streak, with a 102-76 win, is now just one game back. Drew, who got nearly doubled up by Hunt this week 80-151, remains two games back.

Papa Jord’s was all Richards Bros this week, as the biological duo both put up 160+ points, and with Qualley losing to Curtis 117-137 that means that Jordan is once again in control of the division by a game. Austin is mathematically eliminated from winning the division now, but he can certainly play spoiler with point totals like that, and potentially earn a PPG playoff bid if he keeps it up. TC also won this week, in a gutsy performance against Ewoldt, 128-124, to remain a game back as well from Jord.

With Jesse and Ewoldt losing, X-IA did see a bit of separation this week. Jack and Hunt both won their respective games, and the top-end of the division continues to climb, Jack a game away from 10 wins now, and with Jesse’s loss, the Doc now owns the longest win streak in the league at 5 games. If Jack can hold onto the lead, Hunt (8-3) and Jesse (7-4) are both poised for wildcard bids, though that too remains competitive from the volley of 6-5 teams.

If the season ended today, this would be our playoff seeding:

  1. Jack’s Tuna with Spicy Mustard (9-2) [X-IA Leader]

  2. Jord’s The Control Room (7-4) [Papa Jord’s Leader]

  3. Aaron’s No Nonsense Nelson (7-4) [Boy Scout Cyclone Leader]

  4. Curtis’ IFL’s 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ (5-6) [Cul-de-Sack Leader]

  5. Hunt’s Groovers (8-3) [Wildcard Leader] X-IA

  6. Jesse's Aspen Dummies (7-4) [Wildcard Leader] X-IA

  7. Qualley’s DSM Football Team (6-5) [PPG Leader - 123 PPG] Papa Jord’s

  8. Brady’s ALL-TIME D (5-6) [PPG Leader - 120 PPG] Cul-de-Sack

Here’s a look at the bubble teams:

  • TC’s The TCU (6-5) 115 PPG Papa Jord’s

  • The Scallon Express (6-5) 105 PPG Boy Scout Cyclones

  • Drew’s Briar’s Haunting Chorus (5-6) 119 PPG Boy Scout Cyclones

  • Ewoldt’s The Course Rangers (5-6) 111 PPG X-IA

  • Zach’s Spawn of Satan (4-7) 113 PPG Cul-de-Sack

Technically, a huge point run could get Austin, Nick and Chris into the PPG-bid conversation, but the three of them are more than likely out of playoff contention this year, and relegated to the role of spoiler.

Bounty Tracker

It’s that time of year that we check in with the $20 IFL Bounty. Let’s chart the trajectory of this year’s bounty:

Nick earns the bounty Week 1 scoring the lowest point total in the league, and loses it to the Commish’ in Week 2.

The Commish’ loses it to Brady in Week 3.

Brady loses is to Nelson in Week 4.

Nelson loses it to Jesse in Week 5.

Jesse’s epic 7-game win streak would have him carry the bounty all the way to this week, week 11, where he would finally lose to the Scallon Express, who will now carry the bounty into week 12 in his matchup against Qualley.

Papa Jord’s continues their comeback on X-IA, furthering the divide between the top 2 and the bottom 2 divisions.

My fantasy team may be a disaster, but at least there’s pick ‘em.

The Commissioner

Week 10 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Tuna with Spicy Mustard
Coach Jack
156.98 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Des Moines Football Team
Coach Qualley
Lamar Jackson - 33.9 pts (2nd time this season)
(Jack’s Ja’Marr Chase had the most this week with 56.65 pts, but you cannot win both weekly awards)

In case you were concerned, despite some rumors to the contrary, your commish’ is alive and well, and not at all avoiding this week’s recap due to suffering his fourth consecutive loss. No, in fact this week I had a higher calling, officiating my sister-in-law’s wedding, and it was not at all on my mind that my team’s 121 points were the highest total by a losing team in a week where Jesse’s Aspen Dummies would win with just 61 points.

It’s a remarkable win from Jesse to mark his 7th consecutive win, particularly given that it also to took place in what is officially the lowest scoring game in IFL history, at 118.59 points, blowing the previous record out of the water, which was the 2022 Week 6 matchup between my own Daddy’s Boys and Austin’s Rodgers LSDream Team in which I narrowly defeated him 63.93 - 63.12 (127.05 combined points). It’s also a remarkable loss from Curtis, who had the opportunity to take the outright lead of the Cul-de-Sack with a win. Instead Brady’s easy win over Jord 131-110 actually puts the miserable CdS into a 3-way tie.

Even more amazing is the fact that our 2023 IFL Champ Nick won his third straight game this week, pulling himself to just one game back in the CdS, and making his playoff chances very real, after his uncharacteristic 0-7 start, putting the beatdown on Ewoldt this week 144-100. Over the last 4 weeks, Nick has a +18 PPG differential to his season average, which is higher than every team in the league by at least 8 PPG.

Other big doings this week took place in X-IA, as Hunt and the Groovers would suffer their second loss in a row, this week to the TCU 83-133. That would open the door to the wolves at the door in the division, and Doctor Belichick would absolutely BLAST through it, putting the hurt on Chris 157-98. Of course, the team this week was put on the supple back of Ja’Marr Chase who put up the 4th highest individual performance in IFL history (as scored at the time) with just a completely un-understandable 56.65 points. Mind boggling. Jack not only takes command of X-IA, but now sits atop the league standings, which is the first time that it hasn’t been Hunt since Week 4.

Four weeks to go, and things are starting to get a little spicy. Like a spicy… yellow… condiment?

The CdS has their best week of the season, but still trail the pack by a lot. X-IA shows its first sign of weakness, and allows Papa Jord’s to cut the lead a bit.

The consensus goes 3 for 3, and Jesse and TC get one back.

The Commissioner

Week 9 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
No Nonsense Nelson
Coach Aaron
189.76 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
THE GROOVERS
Coach Hunt (2nd time this season)
Jaxon Smith-Njigba - 36.8 pts

Happy Election Day, gents! As the political landscape has continued to heat up, all leading to this very day, escalating to peak drama time and time again, I can’t help but think the Iowa Fantasy League is even hotter.

The Groovers, who had won seven straight games coming into this week, ran into an absolute buzzsaw in No Nonsense Nelson, who put up an IFL season-high score of 189.76 points to Hunt’s 137.2. The previous high score this season was 170.01 points by Curtis in Week 4, and ironically, Nelson’s score is the highest score by any IFL team since Hunt’s GROOVERS set the all-time IFL record with 215.34 points in Week 11 of 2021. I’m going to post a screenshot here of Nelson’s player scores for posterity.

 
 

Personally, I have failed to roster a team that can all exit their games healthy, but Nelson just had 9 players with double-digits, and 6 of them score 19 points or more, which is just NUTTY. Nelson extends his win streak to 4 straight, and now commands a 3-game lead in the Boy Scout Cyclones. Hunt, falls to 7-2, and opens the door to the ridiculously competitive X-IA division, all of whom are vying for playoff spots.

Walking straight through that door is the Doc, whose Belichickian ways have winning his third straight game, this week to the Scallon Express 108-77, despite averaging just 110 PPG over the last four weeks (only good for 10th best in that stretch). The man just wins, okay? He enters a tie in record with Hunt, but crucially has that head-to-head tiebreaker, beating Hunt in Week 1.

Also taking advantage of Hunt’s loss, the new win-streak leader of the IFL, Jesse and the Aspen Dummies, who would win handily over Austin and McConkey Kong Country 129-97. Jesse has now won six straight games, clawing his way to a game back in X-IA.

Notably, Jesse and Jord lead the league in trades, with 4 each, and 2 betwixt each other. Jord, whose namesake scratch team of data nerds and unpaid interns has really turned on the jets, currently rostering just 3 players whom they drafted (league low), and with Kupp healthy, are starting to look pretty terrifying. They torched Drew’s clearly awful team without any fuss in our Game of the Week 149-124. Jord maintains his one-game lead over Qualley in Papa Jord’s who would squash the Commish’ 148-117 in their game this week.

With the Commish’ losing his 3rd straight game, the Cul-de-Sack has never been worse, and never been more winnable.

Curtis did, however, take advantage of the Commish’s loss, snapping his four game losing streak this week against TC, with a 135-115 win. That places the 3-Peat Pick Em Champ in a tie with Spawn of Satan, though he lost the head-to-head tiebreaker in week 1. Incredibly, despite Nick’s 0-7 start, his back-to-back wins, including this week’s win over Chris 111-98, and horrible division mean it is quite realistic that he could mount a divisional comeback with five weeks to go still in the regular season.

More or less status quo in the divisional standings, but the CdS fall futher behind.

Qualley has a perfect week, but the Commish’ extends his lead on the pack.

The Commissioner

Week 8 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Scallon Express
Coach John
156.41 pts (narrowest margin of highest scoring team ever - John edged out Drew by just 0.13 pts)

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
BRIAR’S HAUNTING CHORUS
Coach Drew
CeeDee Lamb - 39.9 pts (CeeDee Lamb was the highest scoring player during last year’s rivalry week as well. Guy lives for rivalry week.)

We didn’t have any last minute victories this year, but Rivalry Week did bring some SPOOKY shocks to the league.

PINEVIEW LEGENDS

Chris could not pull off the upset this year, losing to Nelson 85-107, and falling to 2-6, now having lost six consecutive games, as he races to the bottom of the league. Aaron maintains his two game lead in the BSC.

IOWA FALLS TRANSPLANTS

Jesse needed just 8 points in last night’s game to beat Ewoldt for the 4th consecutive time and it was not without a bit of drama. After a slow start for his Tyrone Tracy, he would exit the game with a shoulder injury, questionable to return. According to a Giants trainer, Tyrone was on his phone in the medical tent and would receive a text message of this photo:

Tracy immediately returned to the game and would proceed to rip off 100+ yards rushing and the Giants only touchdown of the game, before being knocked out of the game again with a concussion. It’s safe to say Tracy left it all out there last night for his coach, and the Aspen Dummies would put away the Course Rangers yet again, 121-104. Jesse now climbs to 5-3, winning five straight after his 0-3 start to the season.

FAILED MATHEMATICIANS

Despite Jesse’s fifth straight win, incredibly, he remains in third place in X-IA, as both coaches he trails would handle their end in Rivalry Week. Good Will Hunting, the leading contender for IFL Regular Season Champ, would send the Commish’ back to his precious Havahd Yahd, winning 144-111, thanks in part to an out of nowhere THIRTY BURGER from Bo Nix. You really can’t make this stuff up. Hunt has now won seven consecutive games after losing week 1.

MOST INTERESTING MEN IN THE WORLD

And right behind Hunt, is the Doc, who would best his junior Most Interesting Man in the World Qualley in a hotly contested 130-124 bout and who moves to 6-2, good enough only for second place in the unreal X-IA division. Qualley would fall out of first place in Papa Jord’s with his loss. Though even when Qualley doesn’t win, he doesn’t lose.

CY-HAWK

How fitting is it that in a year when the Iowa State Cyclones are having a historic season, and beat the Hawkeyes so convincingly that even TC couldn’t deflect, the Scallon Express would absolutely flatline TC, putting up a league high 156 points to TC’s 109. It’s Scallon’s first win over TC in eight meetings and it keeps him alive in the Boy Scout Cylones division at 4-4.

RICHARD BROS

The benefactor of Qualley’s not-winning and TC losing, is Jord, who would rev his HIMmy Jayden Daniels on his big little bro Austin 142-118, sending him to 2-6 and climbing out of the three-way tie betwixt Qualley, TC and himself in Papa Jord’s very own division.

BACHELOR PARTY ABSENTEES

Once again, the battle between frenemies Drew and Brady does not disappoint, as Brady would go up big headed into SNF 132-99, with Pickens yet to play, and though Drew still had CeeDee Lamb and Najee Haris yet to play, Brady was feeling good heading into the Cowboys game…

So much so in fact that he even started calling me out…

But after a 40-point $7 Player of the Week performance from CeeDee, the script had completely flipped, and now Drew was up 139-132 with a projected 62% chance of victory. Just like last year, in pure desperation, Brady would dip his toes into the world of sorcery…

It’s a wizard battle that Brady never stood a chance in, and probably just to show off, Drew disguised his incantation under what seemed like a simple injury curse, but what was in reality an inability for George Pickens to touch his left foot down in the end zone. Sounds impossible, right? Take a look…

That is the scariest thing I’ve seen my life and I just re-watched the Blair Witch Project. Needless to say those points from George Pickens there would not have won Brady the game, but it’s just another countless example of the universe bending to Drew’s will, and always by his own dark hand. BRIAR’S HAUNTING CHORUS would clean-up ALL-TIME D 156-144. Drew climbs to 4-4, in a tie with the Scallon Express, and two games back from Nelson in the BSC. Brady, would fall to 3-5, and would leave him contemplating alternative paths to the playoffs beyond a division win.

JANE’S BASMENT

All that excitement and our biggest upset of the week was also not a particularly close game as Nick’s 0-7 squad would lay the lumber on Curtis, 140-84, establishing dominance in his own mother’s house. Clearly this was Nick’s Superbowl this season, as it was the first time he had scored higher than 96 points all year, behind 20+ point games from Purdy, Kelce and Ridley. Curtis has had a rough go of it of late, now having lost four straight, and having the lowest PPG over those weeks, at just 81 PPG. Still, he remains just a game back in the CdS and the division is completely up for grabs.

Not much change here but the BSC and PJ are all knotted up in the middle through 8 weeks.

Chris and the Commish go 7-2 in Rivalry Week Pick ‘Em. The Commish extends his lead to 5 over the pack, and Chris burrows his way into the thick of things.

The Commissioner

Rivalry Week

The Iowa Fantasy League’s third ever rivalry week is here. Winners of their respective rivalry will receive $10 FAAB.

Let’s take a look at the matchups:

Pineview Legends

If you want to have the GOAT conversation regarding the athletes that have graced the hallowed grounds of Pineview Elementary School, then Nelson and Duncan are certainly the main two contenders. Aaron, of course, came out of the womb faster than any of us ever were as adults and was a cheat code in basketball or football; but Chris was a literal mini-Roethlisberger in pickup, with a jaw-dropping cannon for an arm, which pretty much cemented him as all-time QB but his supple hands also made him a bruising tight end.

Chris leads this series 7 to 2, and his hoping to parlay that dominance into an upset this year against the #2 power-ranked Nelson.

Richard Bros

How can you compete against little brother? No matter what they do, they’re always beloved. In Jord’s case, it’s really tough. Austin’s got a better beard, better Photoshop skills, and a greater appreciation for good names, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Jord will always have experience on his side, looks GOOD in a tank, and has recently forged himself into a superior golfer, though that could change if Austin got some properly fitted clubs, and being an IFL veteran goes a long ways, something that Austin will need to earn in time.

Joining the league in 2020, Austin has only ever met Jord thrice in the IFL, a matchup which Jord has won every time. Austin needs to get his first victory over big bro here to stay competitive in Papa Jord’s division.

Jane’s basement

It’s impossible to quantify just how much time the town of Iowa Falls has spent in Jane Hansen’s basement, and the all-time leaders list is one that would shock you, like even cracking the top 25 would have required months of your life, but Curtis is certainly at the top of the heap. This is not an exaggeration: for a multi-year stretch late junior high into high school Curtis spent more time than Nick did in his own mother’s basement all while technically not living there. If you had to measure the quantity of Jane’s pop that Curtis has drank in his lifetime, your unit would have to be olympic-sized swimming pools. Some people adopted Jane’s basement, but Curtis was born in it, molded by it.

This is one the IFL’s two most storied rivalries, as these two Cul-de-Sack foes have had 13 meetings, and Curtis leads 9 to 4. Curtis has won four in a row and Nick hasn’t won since 2019. Personally, I’m rooting for Nick here to snap his 0-7 start and keep Curtis off my back in the Cul-de-Sack.

CYCLONES VS HAWKEYES

“Scallon is the most sensible person I know. Despite being one of the biggest Cyclone fans in the country, he always holds himself to reason, and will adhere to the laws of reason. TC is beyond a stan of the Hawkeyes, he is closer to a religious zealot or a freedom fighter, who will hear no slander against anyone or anything even tangentially related to the Hawkeyes, and will respond vulgarly and violently if he does. Unfortunately for Scallon, the battle between logic and blind passion is one that can’t really be won. Like how in reality the Cyclones beat the Hawkeyes this season, but in TC’s personal record book, they did not.”

That portion was written originally in 2022, and amazingly, after the Cyclones have now beaten the Hawks 2 out of 3 seasons, TC’s zealoutness has began to show signs of cracks, complimenting ISU on their season at multiple points this YEAR. I don’t know if that means the world is ending or healing, but it’s a trend I am sure cannot last.

TC has dominated this matchup, winning all seven of their meetings, so Scallon is looking to get on the board for the first time this season.

most interesting
men in the world

Cuba imports cigars from them.
Mosquitos refuse to bite them purely out of respect.
In museums, they are allowed to touch the art.
Even their enemies list them as their emergency contact number.
They bowl overhand.
They can identify UFOs.
They gave their fathers “the talk”.
They once went to a pyschic to warn the psychic.

They’re polymaths, Renaissance men, Übermensch. Jack, the doctor, the scholar, the philosopher, father, runner, mustard/tuna/sardine connoisseur. Qualley, the auditor, the patron, the cosmopolitan, husband, runner, hunter/hiker/fishermen. Only one of them can win their respective rivalry, but they’ll both walk away better for it.

Qualley leads this series 4-2, and both coaches are looking to build upon their winning records this season.

iowa falls transplants

This rivalry, which could easily also be named the Smokeshow Shootout, as these two are obvious heavyweights in the Hottest Coaches in the IFL rankings, instead is a reference to their adopted status into the Iowa Falls class of 2010. Ewoldt, of course, being an Alden native, arrived at the height of junior high puberty and nerves, but was quickly beloved due to his natural coolness, and skater hair. Jesse arrived at the same time as the Aldenites (if memory serves), and everyone just assumed, he too was from Alden, even though he came from god knows where, and his upbeat personality and upbeat hair won us all over in short order.

This rivalry is tied for being the most storied with Nick/Curtis, aving met each other 13 times, with Ewoldt leads the series 7 to 6. Jesse has won three straight regular season meetings. Ewoldt has shot up to #1 in the power rankings this week and Jesse will look to try to pull off the upset with his injury-riddles squad.

BACHELOR PARTY ABSENTEES

A friendship as old as time. One forged by being mutually manhandled by Rick and mutually loved by Becky. A storied friendship filled with fishing, terrible bands, and Halo. A friendship frayed by Brady’s moving to the desert, but one that persevered anyway, and still landed Brady as a groomsmen at Drew’s wedding. Drew’s bachelor party was optional for Brady, as he lived 1,500 miles away, but his absence was a scar that never faded on Drew’s psyche, a hurt that he would hold onto for four hard years. For when Brady’s bachelor party was explicitly scheduled in close proximity to Drew’s residence, as he was a groomsmen after all, Drew cashed in on his long held grudge, and returned the favor, no showing Brady’s multi-day celebration. Sometimes the best of rivalries were once the best of friendships.

Brady leads this series 6-4, having won it three times running. Drew last won this matchup in 2018. Both teams are on the verge of mediocrity, and are trying to keep their heads above water at 3-4 on the season.

FAILED MATHEMATICIANS

Everyone loves Good Will Hunting, but would the masses have loved Bad Tanner Hunting? The one where the mathematical genius doesn’t live up to his potential of making the world a better place by the power of math? Maybe that isn’t actually how Good Will Hunting ended, but I always viewed it was somewhat implied. Whatever the case, neither Hunt nor myself pursued our mathematical talents beyond academia, much to the chagrin of Miss Steiner and her greatest aspirations for us. Though she was as much our intellectual mentor as she was our spiritual cheerleader, and ultimately I like to think that Tanner and I’s pursuit of happiness is as worthy of cause as any. And maybe that’s how Good Will Hunting really ended. 🍎

The Commish’ leads this series 4-3, with Hunt winning last season. Hunt just endured a major blow in losing Chris Godwin for the season, but the Commish’ entire WR corp is indefinitely questionable so who knows what kind of team he can field.

Week 7 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
ALL-TIME D
Coach Brady
145.56 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
DSM Football Team
Coach Qualley
Lamar Jackson - 34.94 pts

The battle between IFL youngsters TC and Qualley was an absolute barn burner, as our Game of the Week did not disappoint! Qualley was down 81.76 - 111.15 heading into last night’s double header and his trio of Lamar, Zay Flowers, and Bucky Irving put up 57 points, an amount that any sane man would have thought was enough to pull of the comeback, but TC’s lone defense, Rachaad White had other ideas, and put up JUST enough, 28.1 points to sneak out the 139.25 - 138.65 victory. It’s the slimmest margin of victory by a team this season, and the first time the margin has been under a point this season as well. Both teams move to 4-3, and puts them into a 3-way tie for first in Papa Jord’s.

The third member of that trio, Jord, would also get a win this week, but his was a bit grittier. Despite having three players knocked out of their respective games, Jord and the Control Room would grind their way to 87 points and it would be enough to handle business against Nick and Curtis’ Bronco Coat, whose only mustered a season-low 66 points. Nick had four players post less than 5 points, and its safe to say his team has hit rock bottom. One can only hope that rivalry week will rejuvenate his squad next week.

Not to be outdone, Nick’s rival Curtis, actually one-upped Nick by going EVEN LOWER, and scoring a league-low for the season 61.59 points in his matchup against Jack, whose 70.42 pts were all the Doc would need to pick up his 5th win of the season. The matchup was the lowest combined score of any game this season, with the Jord / Nick matchup being the runner-up. Not surprisingly it’s the lowest-scoring week of the season overall.

With Jack now 5-2, the X-IA division as a whole deserves praise and analysis, as every team in it would get a win this week. Hunt would crush Austin 133-96, getting his 6th consecutive win. Jesse would wallop Chris 112-70, and get his 4th straight. And Ewoldt would handle business against Drew 120-102, ending his three game slide. All four teams have a winning record, combined for 19-9 on the season. All four teams are all in the top 7 for scoring on the season as well. It’s a pretty dominant start to the season and will be fascinating to see how the second half unfolds.

Elsewhere Brady and ALL-TIME D appear to get things back on track after FridgeGate™, with AJ Brown back healthy and Mark Andrews starting to get HOT, his boys post a league-high 146 points and wipe the board with the Scallon Express who only mustered 81 points. It’s crazy because you look at his team, and almost every player is completely washed and yet the unquantifiable x-factor - heart - carries the day. If his team can keep up the Friday Night Lights level of inspo, the very gettable X-IA division could be his.

X-IA extends their lead again, now to an impressive 42 games. Still half the season to go, but only two years in history has a division ever finished with a greater lead, so definitely something to monitor.

Jesse has the best week of any picker, and gets within 3 of your Commish’.

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The Commissioner

Week 6 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Dade County Dirtballs
Coach Drew
133.8 pts (lowest weekly high thus far this season)

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
THE GROOVERS
Coach Hunt
Chris Godwin - 34.3 pts

Week 6 was our most competitive since Week 1, with 4 of the 8 games being won by 10 points or less, and our Game of the Week led the charge. Jack was down 104-108 to Jesse heading into the Jets/Bills game last night, and projected to win by 5 points, with Josh Allen and Tyler Bass. In Jesse’s defense, the caged phenom Garrett Wilson. The pair of Allen and Bass would hit their projections, but despite having just two 20+ point games in his last 27 appearances, Garrett Wilson would drop 25 points on Tuna with Spicy Mustard, and the Aspen Dummies would pull off the unlikely victory. Incredibly, Jesse has clawed his way back to .500 after his 0-3 start, and he snaps Jack’s 3-game winning streak. It’s a huge win too in the sense that it keeps him competitive in the dangerous X-IA division, particularly as Hunt would clean up Ewoldt this week 124-101, and climb to 5-1, a league best record. Hunt has now won five straight games, after losing week 1. The Doc took his loss to Jesse pretty hard, as he never got over the many betrayals of Jesse’s South American alliance in Risk all those years. Jack falls to 4-2, a game back from Hunt in X-IA.

Our other nailbiter this week between Qualley and Brady turned out to be more of a nightmare for Brady. Brady, who was down 11 points heading into MNF, got the news that his 2nd-leading scorer James Cook would be out, and though he had rostered his backup Ty Johnson, he failed to do the FridgeCheck™. Although everyone else in the league knows and doesn’t need it explained, apparently Brady was not familiar, so I’m going to spell it out plainly here for him. The FridgeCheck™ is a foolproof method of picking the right backup RB to spring into action upon their starter being declared out whereby you simply look at the headshots of the RBs on the depth chart and look to see which one looks like a refrigerator.

As you can see, Ray Davis is a refrigerator, and Ty Johnson is just a regular human football player. So naturally, by failing to adhere to this foolproof method, Brady’s Ty Johnson would score just 4.4 points last night, and Ray Davis would score 19.7 points. To add insult to injury, Drew picked up Ray “Refrigerator” Davis after Brady went with Ty “Regular Human Football Player” Johnson, and whether Drew’s voodoo had a hand in James Cook’ injury remains to be seen. After this blunder, Brady would fall to 2-4, and Qualley’s Des Moines Football Team would climb to 4-2.

Nothing ever seems definite with a TE, Drew needed just 5 points last night from Dalton Kincaid to knock off TC, and he would get a dozen, positioning both Drew and TC at 3-3 on the season. TC’s loss means that Qualley now has the sole lead of the Papa Jord’s division, one game up on TC and Jord, who would also win this week, putting some calm back into the Control Room, knocking off Chris 125-108.

Elsewhere, the Scallon Express, like the Aspen Dummies, would pick up their 3rd straight win after starting the season 0-3, getting over on Nick and Curtis’ Bronco Coat 116-91. Scallon and Jesse both out here representing hope, in a often dark and cruel world. Nick sorely needs some of that hope, as he now owns the worst all-play record through 6 weeks in IFL history at 6-84. In his defense, he did have some nasty buys to muddle through this week, but it may be a bit of a re-build for our 2023 champ. The Scallon Express remains competitive in the Boy Scout Cylones division, but remains a game back on No Nonsense Nelson, who would pick up a win over Curtis 128-92.

The CdS falls even further behind, as the rest of the divisions maintain their positions.

Your commish’ extends his lead to two games, going 10 for 11 over the last 3 weeks of pick ‘em.

The Commissioner

Week 5 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
THE GROOVERS
Coach Hunt
150.96 pts (lowest weekly high thus far this season)

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Tuna with Spicy Mustard
Coach Jack
Ja’Marr Chase - 41.8 pts (highest by a weekly award winner this season. Juaan Jennings has the highest score on the season (45.75 pts) but didn’t win the weekly award.)

WOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEE. That tuna IS spicy. Coach Jack blows the doors off Brady’s cozy little home he’d built in our Game of the Week, 141-110, thanks to a FORTY burger from Ja’Marr Chase. Tuna with Spicy Mustard wins their third straight game, and moves to 4-1. ALL-TIME D falls to 2-3, now having lost two straight, after a hot start to their season. They remain in the top 3 in all-play record; however, so we’ll follow their career with great interest.

At 4-1, Jack is in a tie for best record in the league with X-IA rival Hunt, who would one-up Jack in two ways this week. Hunt’s GROOVERS score 151 points in their smackdown of Chris’ Hey Darnold!, who mustered only 94, and have now won FOUR straight games. Hunt now has the highest scoring team in the league, just edging out Curtis, and regains the best all-play record through 5 weeks. Chris falls to 2-3, having lost three straight games, only bested by Nick, who has now fallen to 0-5 after losing again this week to the gentlemen scholar Qualley, 95-135. On the bright side for Nick, he did avoid having the worst all-play record of all time through 5 weeks, a record still held by Aaron who went 4-71 in 2018.

Qualley moves up to 3-2, and is in a share for the lead of Papa Jord’s with the TCU, who would comeback against PJ-ring leader Jord and the increasingly dire Control Room in MNF, winning 128-120 thanks to an impressive 20-deuce performance from the 29-year old Kareem Hunt, whose a Chief once again. Jord has now lost two in a row and just in a real freefall to the bottom of the league.

Another juicy MNF battle was between Scallon and Drew, and despite Drew’s dark magic, the Scallon Express and the Chiefs’ DST were able to clutch up, beating BRIAR’S HAUNTING CHORUS 136-127, and climb to 2-3, having won back to back games. Drew falls to 2-3, and with Aaron also losing this week and falling to 3-2, the Boy Scout Cyclone division remains a tossup.

The author of Aaron’s loss, Jesse and the Aspen Dummies, stood on business, winning 129-100. Jesse gets to 2-3, and now has been in the top 5 of scoring 4 out of 5 weeks this season, with the 5th best all-play record in the league at 44-31.

And making it a hat trick, Austin and McConkey Kong Country would also pick up the 2nd consecutive win this week, grinding one out against Curtis 104-87. With that, we have now went from a record four 0-3 teams, to three of those teams getting back-to-back wins, which makes the standings look a lot more competitive heading into Week 6.

In fact, we only have one clear division leader right now, the aforementioned No Nonsense Nelson, but every other division is in a tie, and even the Cul-de-Sack, which has Nick’s 0-5 team, he’s still only down 3 games, so certainly not out of contention whatsoever.

The CdS falters again, falling further behind, as X-IA posts another monster week, building its lead to 37.

Curtis and the Commish have a perfect week, along with the Pickers’ Consensus.

The Commissioner

Iowa Fantasy League
18 member league

Champions to Date
2024 - Jord
2023 - Nick
2022 - Curtis
2021 - TC
2020 - Jack
2019 - TC
2018 - Drew
2017 - Jack
2016 - Matt
2015 - Zach
2014 - Nick
 

Season Awards
Champion: $445
Runner-Up: $70
3rd Place: $10
Regular Season Champ: $15
Division Winner: $35
Wild Card: $8
Pick 'Em Champ: $25

Weekly Awards
Highest Scoring Team = $15
Highest Scoring Player = $7