The Iowa Fantasy League’s 4th annual Rivalry Week is here. Winners of their respective rivalry will receive $10 FAAB.
Let’s take a look at the matchups:
Pineview Legends
If you want to have the GOAT conversation regarding the athletes that have graced the hallowed grounds of Pineview Elementary School, then Nelson and Duncan are certainly the main two contenders. Aaron, of course, came out of the womb faster than any of us ever were as adults and was a cheat code in basketball or football; but Chris was a literal mini-Roethlisberger in pickup, with a jaw-dropping cannon for an arm, which pretty much cemented him as all-time QB but his supple hands also made him a bruising tight end.
Chris has seen the hype from his team decline over the season after the top scorer in the league Puka got hurt, and is trying to buy time until his likely Week 9 return. Meanwhile Nelson has had one of the worst starts in his career at 2-5. Chris leads this series 6-3, but will have to navigate three byes this week, including his #2 and #4 scorers on the season, Goff and Walker, whereas Nelson just has one bye.
Richard Bros
How can you compete against little brother? No matter what they do, they’re always beloved. In Jord’s case, it’s really tough. Austin’s got a better beard, better Photoshop skills, and a greater appreciation for good names, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Jord will always have experience on his side, looks GOOD in a tank, and now most importantly, is an IFL Champion, winning it all last season, a feat Austin hasn’t even come close to.
While the sails have also deflated for Austin a bit this season after his 5-0 start, he’s now lost back to back games and his star QB is banged up, Jord’s scoring is in the lower half of the league, and has been wildly inconsistent despite his #5 power ranking. Austin has met Jord four times, winning his very first match against big bro last season.
Jane’s basement
It’s impossible to quantify just how much time the town of Iowa Falls has spent in Jane Hansen’s basement, and the all-time leaders list is one that would shock you, like even cracking the top 25 would have required months of your life, but Curtis is certainly at the top of the heap. This is not an exaggeration: for a multi-year stretch late junior high into high school Curtis spent more time than Nick did in his own mother’s basement all while technically not living there. If you had to measure the quantity of Jane’s pop that Curtis has drank in his lifetime, your unit would have to be olympic-sized swimming pools. Some people adopted Jane’s basement, but Curtis was born in it, molded by it.
This is one the IFL’s most storied IRL rivalries, as these two Cul-de-Sack foes have had 13 meetings, and Curtis leads 8 to 5. Nick snapped a four game losing streak last year to Curtis, and while there’s been some rumors that this may be Curtis’ final season, Nick would like to send him off with one final kick in the shorts.
CYCLONES VS HAWKEYES
Scallon is the most sensible person I know. Despite being one of the biggest Cyclone fans in the country, he always holds himself to reason, and will adhere to the laws of reason. TC is beyond a stan of the Hawkeyes, he is closer to a religious zealot or a freedom fighter, who will hear no slander against anyone or anything even tangentially related to the Hawkeyes, and will respond vulgarly and violently if he does. Unfortunately for Scallon, the battle between logic and blind passion is one that can’t really be won. Since this rivalry was made formal in 2022, Iowa State has beaten Iowa 3 out of 4 years, including back-to-back seasons.
On that note, Scallon beat TC for the very first time in their 7 meetings last season, and as the #1 power ranked team in the league, is looking to embarrass TC’s sorry team, just like his precious Iowa Hawkeyes.
most interesting
men in the world
Cuba imports cigars from them.
Mosquitos refuse to bite them purely out of respect.
In museums, they are allowed to touch the art.
Even their enemies list them as their emergency contact number.
They bowl overhand.
They can identify UFOs.
They gave their fathers “the talk”.
They once went to a pyschic to warn the psychic.
They have inside jokes with complete strangers.
They’re polymaths, Renaissance men, Übermensch. Jack, the doctor, the scholar, the philosopher, father, runner, mustard/tuna/sardine connoisseur. Qualley, the auditor, the patron, the cosmopolitan, father, runner, hunter/hiker/fishermen. Only one of them can win their respective rivalry, but they’ll both walk away better for it.
While Qualley has the better team this season, ranked #3 by the experts, he’ll be without his #1 and #3 scorers JSN and the Sun God in matchup with the Doc, who despite his 49-70 all-play record, is 4-3 on the season. As no man is better than the other, this series is fittingly tied 3-3.
iowa falls transplants
This rivalry, which could easily also be named the Smokeshow Shootout, as these two are obvious heavyweights in the Hottest Coaches in the IFL rankings, instead is a reference to their adopted status into the Iowa Falls class of 2010. Ewoldt, of course, being an Alden native, arrived at the height of junior high puberty and nerves, but was quickly beloved due to his natural coolness, and skater hair. Jesse arrived at the same time as the Aldenites (if memory serves), and everyone just assumed, he too was from Alden, even though he came from god knows where, and his upbeat personality and upbeat hair won us all over in short order. Major kudos to them both for attending our 15-year reunion.
This rivalry is the most prevalent in the IFL itself, having met each other 14 times, with Jesse leading the series 9-5. Jesse has won four straight regular season meetings. Jesse, 4-3, will be without his #1 scorer this week in Gibbs, and will look to hold down the fort against his X-IA division rival Ewoldt, who at 3-4 is fighting to stay alive in the division.
BACHELOR PARTY ABSENTEES
A friendship as old as time. One forged by being mutually manhandled by Rick and mutually loved by Becky. A storied friendship filled with fishing, terrible bands, and Halo. A friendship frayed by Brady’s moving to the desert, but one that persevered anyway, and still landed Brady as a groomsmen at Drew’s wedding. Drew’s bachelor party was optional for Brady, as he lived 1,500 miles away, but his absence was a scar that never faded on Drew’s psyche, a hurt that he would hold onto for four hard years. For when Brady’s bachelor party was explicitly scheduled in close proximity to Drew’s residence, as he was a groomsmen after all, Drew cashed in on his long held grudge, and returned the favor, no showing Brady’s multi-day celebration. Sometimes the best of rivalries were once the best of friendships.
While Brady leads this series 5-3, his team this season is the lowest scoring in the league at 90 PPG and he’ll hope to take full advantage of Drew’s #3 & #5 scorers LaPorta and Jeanty being on bye. Drew’s team, who has managed to scrape out a 4-3 record despite one of the dumbest drafts we’ve ever seen, looks to ascend in the back half of the season with Rashee Rice back off suspension.
FAILED MATHEMATICIANS
Everyone loves Good Will Hunting, but would the masses have loved Bad Tanner Hunting? The one where the mathematical genius doesn’t live up to his potential of making the world a better place by the power of math? Maybe that isn’t actually how Good Will Hunting ended, but I always viewed it was somewhat implied. Whatever the case, neither Hunt nor myself pursued our mathematical talents beyond academia, much to the chagrin of Miss Steiner and her greatest aspirations for us. Though she was as much our intellectual mentor as she was our spiritual cheerleader, and ultimately I like to think that Tanner and I’s pursuit of happiness is as worthy of cause as any. And maybe that’s how Good Will Hunting really ended. 🍎
Hunt’s Groovers has the highest scoring team on the season, and with no byes to speak of, looks to tee off on Breaking Veg, who will be without their #2 scorer Trey McBride this week. The Commish’ leads this series 4-3, but Hunt has won in back to back seasons.
daddy & the kid
Despite being shoehorned into this rivalry, it kind of makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? The Iowa Fantasy League’s both spiritual and literal DADDY, and everybody’s lil’ bro, the immortal nut-grabbing 9-year old, Joe. They have even charted similar careers in the league, as Daddy retired in 2020, Joe followed suit in 2022, citing not being able to exist in a league without Daddy, and by some small miracle, these two have made their way back to us, in an improbable league expansion, to find us, and each other again. May Daddy forever bottle feed us his sweet, warm milk, and may Joe perform reverse child abuse on our nuts till the end of time.
Daddy, at 3-4, has had a slightly more welcome return to the league, and while Joe would love to get his first win of the season, his two highest scoring players, Kyren and Davante will be on bye this week. Hopefully Daddy is nice to his baby boy. Joe leads this series 3-1 all-time, having last met in 2019.