Highest Scoring Team ($15)
No Nonsense Nelson
Coach Aaron
153.18 pts
Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Des Moines Football Team
Coach Qualley
Amon-Ra St. Brown - 41.65 pts
(Aaron’s Kyle Pitts scored 48.1 points this week but cannot win both weekly awards.)
What a spicy opener to the playoffs! Kicking it off with our regular season champ, Hunt, and his opponent of choice Jesse, it was a nailbiter till the end. Jesse had a big start with his Jags kicker / DST combo putting up 28 points and Dallas Goedert another 26.5 pts, but was quelled by his Justin Herbert & McConkey stack only combining for 12.9 pts. Jesse also was fortunate to have a quiet 14.6 points from Hunt’s MVP Jonathan Taylor, but even worse for him was that his MVP Jahmyr Gibbs had his worst outing of the season, just 8.3 pts. Going into Monday, Hunt was down just 13 points, with only Achane left to play, a point total he had only failed to hurdle once this season, and while it took every minute of MNF to get there, he did, and Hunt’s Groovers won 104-99, sending Hunt to the semifinals and Jesse and his kids back to whatever sick planet they came from. Hunt took full advantage of his #1 seed too, as his opponent of choice for the opener was the only team of the four he would have beat. 200 IQ stuff right there.
Scallon and his Pineview Knights made more of a 10 IQ choice, selecting the Commish’ SPICEY BBQ HOT Breaking Veg, who not only had scored the most points in the league over the last four weeks, but would come to BALL on Sunday, kicking off the noon games with a twenty deuce from Drake Maye, a thirty burger from Etienne, and a FOURTY NUKE from TE1 Trey McBride. The Pineview Knights, meanwhile, seemed to be sleepwalking through their quarterfinal matchup, posting a season low 73.33 points. I’m not sure that this is consolation for Scallon, but he would have lost to any of the seeds he could have picked, as he scored the least in the championship playoffs, and least in the league this week. Hats off to him for having the balls to draft CMC this year, after his injury plagued season last year, and seeing that through to a division championship.
The other game on the right side of the bracket, was a touch closer, that was until Qualley’s Amon-Ra St. Brown revealed his true SUN GOD form, and put up 41.65 points, and making Nick’s comeback a daunting one, but not impossible, if Dak and Waddle had big games in SNF and MNF. That was; however, not to be, as they combined for just 17 points, and Qualley would win 136-105, sending the Cul-de-Sack champ into the offseason. The #7 DSM Football Team, PPG-bid numero uno, will face the commish’s Breaking Veg in the semi’s next week.
Well, I saved the best for last, and truly, so much happened in the Jord v Drew matchup that I’m certain details will be lost to history, but I’ll do my best. The interesting foil in the early phase of the matchup was that all but Drew’s RB1 Brandon Aubrey played in the noon games, so the scale was tipped early and often, and for nearly two hours, things were looking DIRE for Drew. The Patriots were dominating Josh Allen and the only one scoring any points at all for Zach’s Barn of Horrors was Zay Flowers. Meawhile Jord’s Caleb Williams and McMillan were putting up an average 18 points and mediocre 4.5 points respectively. But after commissioning his father, Rick, to give his team a legendary butt-chewing at halftime, Drew’s team either balked or nutted up, and mostly balked, but Josh Allen strung together twenty points in the final two quarters, and got him to about 89 points. Jord and Yes Chef! then had a roller coaster of their own in the late slate of games, as his mostly Rams roster were in a shootout against the Lions, which helped him in terms of Puka and Davante, but hurt the Rams DST, who finished with just 4 points for him. But more dramatic than that, Davante would exit the game early in the fourth quarter, after scoring just 12.1 points, and almost immediately after that Puka left the game with an injury as well. And that put a pit in Jord’s stomach, as he realized that even if he wins this game against Drew, he may lose the war. Hope was not totally lost; however, as Puka would return to the game seemingly completely fine, and finish with 189 scrimmage yards, good for 29.65 points. Not pictured, in that Rams game, was the gift I gave Jord of Ka’imi Fairbairn, who posted 17.75 points for him as well, and that gave Jord a 91.86-89.05 lead heading into the Drew v Jord finale that was SNF. Left to play for Jord was Javonte Williams, RB9 on the season, and averaging 14.9 points. For Drew, Brandon Aubrey, K2 on the season, averaging 11.1 PPG. Jord had a dream start, as Javonte would rush for a touchdown halfway through the first, putting him up 7 points immediately, but that almost just as instantly turned into a nightmare, as Javonte hurt his should on the touchdown, leaving the game, and was questionable to return. Aubrey would kick another extra point in the 2nd quarter, and with 6 minutes left, would line up for another automatic 50+ yarder, his millionth of the season, and wait…. what what this? WIDE RIGHT. Instead of 5 points for the make, he loses 0.25 points. He does drill a 37 yarder before the half to cut the lead to just 3 points; and Jord is mentally onto next season, as Javonte hasn’t been seen in Dallas since the fourth. But like Gandalf after his battle in the Mines of Moria, Javonte would return for the second half, and put up 4 more points in the 3rd quarter, while Aubrey hit two more field goals, adding 7 points, and putting the game at basically a tie. Aubrey opened the fourth with a 59-yard attempt, that would possibly seal the game for Drew, and…… unfathomably, he would MISS AGAIN, wide right. Javonte would put away 53 rush yards in the 4th, and hold the lead for Jord, winning 110-106. Our 2024 IFL Champ is moving onto the semifinals, where he’ll face this year’s regular season champ Hunt. Drew, whose team was always bad, I mean, we all knew that after his ridiculous bot-draft, finally ends his charade, relegated to an offseason of misery, what’s he’s always deserved.
Lots of doings in the Consolation and Super Consolation bracket, which I don’t have time to get into today, but will preview the Super Consolation ‘Ship and Toilet Bowl Losership tomorrow, though I would like to shoutout TC for getting SMOKED by his landlord Aaron, just like his Hawkeyes pretty much every time he turns around.
Playoff pick ‘em brings bonus points but no movement at the top. Nick has the best week of anyone, climbing a few spots. The points continue to ramp up as the playoff race continues!
