Week 10 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Des Moines Football Team
Coach Qualley
154.78 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Tuna with Mustard
Coach Jack (2nd time this season)
Keenan Allen - 41.3 pts

Current Playoff Standings

  1. Qualley’s DSM Football Team (7-3) [Papa Jord Leader]

  2. Ewoldt’s Course Rangers (7-3) [X-IA Leader] X-IA

  3. Nick’s Curtis’ Bronco Coat (6-4) [Cul-de-Sack Leader]

  4. John’s Scallon Express (6-4) [Boy Scout Cyclone Leader]

  5. Hunt’s Groovers (7-3) [Wildcard Leader] X-IA

  6. Jord's Shirt Brothers (6-4) [Wildcard Leader] Papa Jord’s

  7. Austin’s Goffpocalpyse (4-6) [PPG Leader - 117 PPG] Papa Jord’s

  8. Jack’s Tuna with Mustard (5-5) [PPG Leader - 116 PPG] X-IA

Bubble Teams

  • Jesse’s La Bamba (6-4) X-IA

  • Brady’s ALL-TIME D (5-5) CdS

  • Curtis’ 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ (5-5) CdS

Fantasy football is a mystifying pastime, isn’t it? Producing at times weightless euphoria and other times gut-wrenching, hair pulling despair, and sometimes those moments are within minutes of the very same Monday Night Football game you’re watching.

Take my Dierks’ Heathens for example - up 40 points going into MNF - ahead of their most hated rival Andrew “Author of All My Pain” Gustin. After a full quarter of his two players being held to just two catches, and Sleeper upping my chance of winning to 99%, I foolishly let just a smidgin of hope creep in, and within 4 minutes of each other on back-to-back possessions, his two players would each score touchdowns, cutting my lead to 15 and my chance of winning down to 83%. As his players widdled that 15 down to 8, and both had chances to score a TD and win him the game, it’s not an exaggeration to tell to you that the final two quarters of that game shaved two decades of my life. But alas, Dierks’ Heathens would vanquish the idiotic Drew, and his awful team, and until next weekend - euphoria.

And then there’s Jesse and La Bamba, featured in last week’s post as the current win streak leader, winner of five straight, and sitting in the top Wildcard spot, as the then #5 seed in the playoffs. That’s when the fantasy gods come for you. With his #1 and #2 scorers on bye (Cheetah and Swift), La Bamba would start just two players that would score more than 7 points, and if not for Big Game Gabe Davis, putting up 10.1 points last night, Jesse would have cemented himself as the lowest scoring team of all time. Instead, his 48.76-108.72 loss to Curtis will place him 2nd on the all-time low list:

  1. The C-Team - Anton - 45.37 pts (2019 Week 3)

  2. La Bamba - Jesse - 48.76 (2023 Week 10)

  3. The Nut Grabbing 9-Year-Olds - Joe - 48.78 pts (2018 Week 9)

  4. Brady’s Boat Bucks - Joe - 52.17 pts (2021 Week 16)

  5. El Slobberknockers - Brady - 54.48 pts (2015 Week 2)

 

Can’t keep a good man down; however, as Coach Jesse boldly proclaims he’s going all the way:

In other news, Ewoldt loses his 3rd straight game as his hype bubble burst in trademark fashion, this week losing to Nick 107-118. It’s an important win for Nick, who wrestles himself back into a one-game lead over the CdS. Ewoldt, who once had a 3-game lead in his division, has now opened the door to Hunt, who is now on a 4-game win streak himself, after beating TC this week 134-100. Both Tanners (not TC) are 7-3, and for Ewoldt’s sake he does hold the head-to-head tiebreaker against Hunt, but he’ll need to stop the backslide if he wants to hold onto the reigns. Hunt has averaged the most points in the league over the last 4 weeks, and become the 2nd highest scoring team on the season.

All of these things speak to the razor’s edge margin of error many have alluded to about the IFL and particularly this season. We’ve got some hot teams right now, certainly, but no one team has been flat out dominant this season, and in fact, I analyzed the point differential of the highest scoring team from each season of our league history compared to the league average, to see where our current point leader, Qualley, stacked up to historic teams:

Points Differential (Percentage Better than League Average that Year)

  1. Don't Mess with the Zoquon - TC - 145.27 PPG +24.13% (2019)

  2. Momma Cat - Jord - 154.59 PPG +23.32% (2018)

  3. Tatooine Sith Lords Zach - 146.58 PPG +21.03% (2015)

  4. The GROOVERS - Hunt - 141.47 PPG +20.36% (2021)

  5. Bellhops - Jack - 137.15 PPG +20.08% (2017)

  6. Brett's Regrets - Drew - 137.37 PPG +17.38% (2019)

  7. Badassmailman - Aaron - 127.62 PPG +17.05% (2022)

  8. Slick Rick's Firepoles - Drew - 145.83 PPG +16.33% (2018)

  9. Grady Olson Presents - Aaron - 140.5 PPG +15.66% (2016)

  10. FULLY STOCKED - Brady - 174.79 PPG +12.15% (2020)

Qualley’s 122.93 PPG is only a 9.94% point differential to the league average (111.82 PPG) this season, and that is the lowest-ever for a season point leader. Now there’s still a lot of football to be played, so this can change of course, but at least though 10 weeks, the parity in the league is at an all-time high.

The Des Moines Football Team, after being highlighted last week, only shined that much brighter under the spotlight this week, as Coach Qualley posted a league-high 155 points against Aaron, despite having two of his players, Heinicke and Mattison, knocked out of their respective games. Qualley has ascended to the top of the overall standings…. for now.

Finally, Brady and Jord, two bottom feeders, whose teams’ level of heart does so much heavy lifting finally settled the score on whose heart is bigger, with the Shirt Brothers’ CeeDee Lamb putting on a clinic, and icing Brady 114-99. Jord moves to 6-4, and sits a game back in his namesake division, while Brady falls back a game in the CdS. Jord continues to grit out wins, but you know what they say about a big heart…

$20 BOUNTY

Hunt earned this year’s bounty Week 1 by posting the lowest score of the week. He would beat Jesse Week 2, and TC Week 3, before losing the bounty to Jord in Week 4. Jord would then turn around and lose the bounty to TC in Week 5 and TC would hand it off to Drew in Week 6. Drew would lose it to the then undefeated Ewoldt in Week 7, who would lose his first game, and the bounty to Jesse in Week 8. Jesse would keep it in Week 9, beating Austin but then score the 3rd lowest point total in IFL history in Week 9, 48.76 points, and lost the bounty to Curtis in Week 10. Curtis will face Qualley in Week 11, the hottest team in the league.

TOP DIVISION

Status quo all-around, but Papa Jord’s does cut X-Iowa’s lead down to 2 games.

PICK ‘EM

I touched on the unpredictability of this season last week, and here it is again, with our best pickers this week going 2 for 5. Two of our game polls only had a single picker get it right - Jack the lone picker to select Curtis’ Bronco Coat and Austin the only buck to have the sack to pick Dierks’ Heathens (bless you). Amidst the mess, Qualley places himself back on top.

The Commissioner

Week 9 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Tuna with Mustard
Coach Jack
153.31 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
TC Schefter
Coach TC
CJ Stroud - 40.8 pts

9 weeks in, what is the story of the season thus far? It’s got to be X-Iowa.

To illustrate, let’s take a look at the current playoff seeding if the season ended today:

  1. Ewoldt’s Course Rangers (7-2) [X-IA Champ]

  2. Qualley’s DSM Football Team (6-3) [Papa Jord Champ]

  3. Nick’s Curtis’ Bronco Coat (5-4) [Cul-de-Sack Champ]

  4. John’s Scallon Express (5-4) [Boy Scout Cyclone Champ]

  5. Jesse’s La Bamba (6-3) [Wildcard] X-IA

  6. Hunt’s Groovers (6-3) [Wildcard] X-IA

  7. Austin’s Goffpocalpyse (4-5) [PPG] Papa Jord’s

  8. Jack’s Tuna with Mustard (4-5) [PPG] X-IA

That’s right, currently, all four X-IA teams are in playoff position. Still five weeks to go, of course, so much things may change, but it sheds light on the fact that X-IA has been rolling.

And intrigue in that division heats up, as Ewoldt dropped their second straight loss after starting off the season 7-0, this week to a guy who clearly just wants it more, Brady, and his ragtag gang of circus clowns, who have somehow managed to average 3rd most points in the league over the last four weeks and have clawed their way above .500. They knock off the Course Rangers 133-117, and Ewoldt’s division lead falls to just a single game. Ewoldt, for what it’s worth, is still the 4th highest scoring team in the league, so don’t worry about him too much.

The teams taking advantage of Ewoldt’s loss - La Bamba and the Groovers - both continue their win streaks. Jesse’s league best, five consecutive wins, this week comes curtesy of a defensive struggle against Austin, with 11 of their 18 players scoring less than 10 points. Jesse, who played his 3rd best QB option, as it turned out, didn’t need any better anyway, and would win 78-68. Before you wonder about Goffpocalypse, just know that his top 3 players were all on bye. He’ll also be fine. Hunt would also grind out a win, in our Game of the Week, against Nelson, winning 99-91. Hunt and Jesse get to within a game of Ewoldt in X-IA, amazingly, after what seemed like a potential runaway title for the Course Rangers.

And then there’s Tuna with Mustard, who like the Bengals, are getting healthy again, and boy is that scary. The Doc had lost 5 out of 6 games for a stretch there, but you score enough points on the season, and you can still earn a playoff bid, and they came out with surgical precision in week 9, doubling up on the Scallon Express 153-65. Boy, has the Scallon Express taken a long detour or what? After starting the season 5-1, and looking like the bus out of Speed, the Express has dropped 3 games in a row, and though clearly still stacked with talent, will look to get back on track in Week 10. Luckily for the Express, the whole Boy Scout Cyclone division would lose this week: Drew losing to Jord 77-103, Aaron losing to Hunt, and Chris losing to Nick 75-89, which means that they’ll maintain their one game lead in the division.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not highlight Qualley’s Des Moines Football Team a bit. We don’t have to get into who they played this week or the fact that that team has lost 7 straight games, or why and how there’s irrefutable proof that that team is cursed, but rather, let’s talk about Qualley. I mean, the handsome devil, er… angel, won this week against a team that shall not be named 136-129, improving to 6-3, and maintains a one-game lead in Papa Jord’s. But with the score, they’ve become the highest scoring team in the league, averaging 119 PPG, and have averaged 128 PPG over the last four weeks, also a league best. And it’s the depth that’s scary. His fifth highest scorer, Michael Pittman, is averaging 14.7 PPG on the season, a full 2.7 PPG higher than the next best fifth man in the league. His #2 scorer, the Sun God, on bye this week? No problem, I’ll just motivate my rookie, Tank Dell, 2023 Name of the Year Winner, to drop a 30-burger. I’m just saying, if you’re going to lose your 7th straight game, I’d want it to be him. And Qualley is him.

X-IA takes over as the top division on the season, as the Boy Scout Cyclones have an all-time bad week. They posted 3 of the bottom 4 scores, and earned an all-play record of 11-49. Oof.

Your commissioner posts a perfect week to tie things up with Qualley, and the Pickers’ Consensus slips into first place. Fun fact: the Pickers’ Consensus has never finished the season on top, but has gotten 2nd place 4 times. It’s also, thus far, a highly unpredictable season, as the consensus percentage is only 52%, and the lowest it has ever been for a season is 61%.

The Commissioner

Week 8 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Goffpocalypse
Coach Austin
148.90 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Shirt Brothers
Coach Jord
CeeDee Lamb - 41 pts
(Back to back weeks for Shirt Brothers having the highest scoring player)

Rivalry Week, once again, does not disappoint. It had everything: upsets, snapped streaks, games coming down to MNF, and a dark magic 1v1 that you will have to see to believe.

PINEVIEW LEGENDS

There were a bevy of upsets, but the one that had to have meant the most was Chris finally getting in the win column, knocking off No Nonsense Nelson 125-111. Chris’ team is underdog personified now, as Zach Moss continues to poach tuddies and remain fantasy relevant, and he’s got some guy named Trey McBride that put up a near 30-burger this week????????? Amazing. Nelson falls to 4-4, but with the whole BSC division, save Scrantonicity, losing this week, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it could.

IOWA FALLS TRANSPLANTS

The other streak snapped this week was done so by Jesse, who lowered his head, and rammed those spikes into Ewoldt’s soft golfer underbelly. The ELITE Josh Dobbs sang his swan song this week, putting up a 20-burger, perhaps for the last time ever, as the Cardinal move on from him for god knows why, and La Bamba wins 139-95. The Course Rangers finally lose, and are now 7-1. It’s a clutch victory for Jesse, as it cuts Ewoldt’s division lead to just two games in X-IA. Also, somehow flying under the radar, is the fact that La Bamba is now the win streak leader in the IFL, at 4 straight, AND has the 3rd highest PPG in the league. 👀

FAILED MATHEMATICIANS

While we’re talking X-IA, another team who is heating up, Hunt’s Groovers, who also climb to 5-3, behind a devastating win against your cursed Commissioner, 147-132. Hunt’s squad is actually even hotter than Jesse’s, in terms of PPG, as they are the highest scoring team in the league over the last 4 weeks, averaging 129 PPG to Jesse’s 123 PPG (3rd best). It was an all around effort for Good Tanner Hunting, who had 8 of his 9 players score 12 points or higher. The X-IA division continues to get spicier. Dierks’ Heathens fall to 2-6 and threaten to have their worst season ever.

BACHELOR PARTY ABSENTEES

Perhaps the most dramatic battle this weekend was between these two bitter of rivals: D & B.

It’s a game of which I saw the projected winner flip nearly 10 different times, as Drew’s noon slate players scored points left and right, Brady’s WRs combined for 67 points, Joe Burrow put a 30-bomb for Brady in the late afternoon slot, and Hollywood Brown came alive in garbage time for Drew. Then in SNF Justin Herbert’s halftime twenty deuce looked like the death knell for Brady, but he would follow it up with just 4 more points to finish the game which left Davante Adams needing just 12 points in MNF to get Drew the dub, a feat he’s managed 5 out of 7 games this season. That’s when things began to interesting. As many of you know, Drew is deep into the dark arts, like so far gone that there’s no coming back, but this didn’t stop Brady from trying the unthinkable:

Performing a curse of his own, Brady pulled the uno reverse card on Drew, despite ESPN breaking headlines like this one:

There were a few more incantations uttered back and forth between the two but as someone who is actively trying to avoid Drew’s witchcraft, suffice it to say that whatever Brady did worked, as Davante caught just one catch against the Lions, and Brady would hold on to win 133-123. The ANABOLIC SPUDSMAN fall to 4-4, still tied with No Nonsense Nelson a game back in the BSC. Brady moves to 4-4, and again, despite all odds, his team drafted purely on physical beauty, is now in a tie for the divisional lead of the Cul-de-Sack.

CY-HAWK

Perhaps the quietest upset, and yet maybe the most shocking, was the seemingly unstoppable Scallon Express blowing their carburetor and losing to TC Schefter and his juicy scoops, 74-112. The devil works hard but TC Schefter works harder. TC is now 8-0 all-time against Scallon, quite similar to Matt Campbell’s track record against Iowa (1-6). Scallon is fortunate that Aaron and Drew’s losses keep him in the driver seat in the BSC. For TC, it’s a big win to get back to .500 and stay in the mix in the hyper-competitive Papa Jord’s division.

RICHARD BROS

Speaking of which, the Richard Bros was an absolute shootout, by which Jord and the Shirt Brothers could just not keep up. Goffpocalypse continues their offensive prowess, exploding for 149 points this week, to Shirt Brothers 124. Little Richard has now won 4 out of their last 5 games and continues their claim as the highest scoring team in the league. The game evens things up for Goffpocalypse, as they enter a 3-way tie for 2nd place with Jord and TC in Papa Jord’s.

MOST INTERESTING MEN IN THE WORLD

They can open piñatas with a wink and a smile.
The police often question them just because they find them interesting.
When they drive a new car off the lot, it increases in value.

This year’s battle of the gentlemen went to the junior, Qualley and his Des Moines Football Team, as they best the Doc’s Tuna with Mustard 118-98. Kirk Cousins gave one last valiant effort for the Doc, a twenty deuce before tearing his Achilles, but alas it was not enough, and that is the fickle nature of fantasy football. Qualley improves to 5-3 and now has sole ownership of the Papa Jord’s division lead, having now won 3 consecutive games.

JANE’S BASMENT

Everyone in the Cul-de-Sack was rooting for a Curtis victory this week, in the Battle of Jane’s Basement, and they got one, behind 3 near 30-bombs from George Kittle, Gus Edwards and Dak Prescott, as the 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ sent Nick back upstairs to play Gamecube by himself, winning 135-119. Nick falls to 4-4 on the season and now enters a dogfight for the Cul-de-Sack title, as he ties with Brady and Curtis gets to within a game back.

X-IA with another great weeks puts them into a tie with Papa Jord’s. The Cul-de-Sack finally wakes up and course corrects with big scores, and climbs out from the bottom.

A wild rivalry week makes for tough picking, but a few take advantage. Don’t look now, but last year’s pick ‘em champ has been usurped by the scholar Qualley.

The Commissioner

Rivalry Week

The Iowa Fantasy League’s second ever rivalry week is here. Winners of their respective rivalry will receive $10 FAAB.

Let’s take a look at the matchups:

Pineview Legends

If you want to have the GOAT conversation regarding the athletes that have graced the hallowed grounds of Pineview Elementary School, then Nelson and Duncan are certainly the main two contenders. Aaron, of course, came out of the womb faster than any of us ever were and was a cheat code in basketball or football; but Chris was a literal mini-Roethlisberger in pickup, with a jaw-dropping cannon for an arm, which pretty much cemented him as all-time QB but his supple hands also made him a bruising tight end.

Chris leads this series 5 to 2, with Aaron winning last year’s matchup in a nailbiter 115.22-114.29. Chris may be 0-7 this year, but if he could get one win all year, he’d probably make it this one.

Richard Bros

How can you compete against little brother? No matter what they do, they’re always beloved. In Jord’s case, it’s really tough. Austin’s got a better beard, better Photoshop skills, and a greater appreciation for good names, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Jord will always have experience on his side, looks GOOD in a tank, and has recently forged himself into a superior golfer, though that could change if Austin got some properly fitted clubs, and being an IFL veteran goes a long ways, something that Austin will need to earn in time.

Joining the league in 2020, Austin has only ever met Jord twice in the IFL, a matchup which Jord has won both times. The result of this game will have big consequences in Papa Jord’s.

Jane’s basement

It’s impossible to quantify just how much time the town of Iowa Falls has spent in Jane Hansen’s basement, and the all-time leaders list is one that would shock you, like even cracking the top 25 would have required months of your life, but Curtis is certainly at the top of the heap. This is not an exaggeration: for a multi-year stretch late junior high into high school Curtis spent more time than Nick did in his own mother’s basement all while technically not living there. If you had to measure the quantity of Jane’s pop that Curtis has drank in his lifetime, your unit would have to be olympic-sized swimming pools. Some people adopted Jane’s basement, but Curtis was born in it, molded by it.

This is one the IFL’s two most storied rivalries, as these two Cul-de-Sack foes have had 12 meetings, and Curtis leads 8 to 4. Curtis has won three in a row and Nick hasn’t won since 2019. The whole of the Cul-de-Sack is rooting for Curtis here to upset the division leader.

CYCLONES VS HAWKEYES

Scallon is the most sensible person I know. Despite being one of the biggest Cyclone fans in the country, he always holds himself to reason, and will adhere to the laws of reason. TC is beyond a stan of the Hawkeyes, he is closer to a religious zealot or a freedom fighter, who will hear no slander against anyone or anything even tangentially related to the Hawkeyes, and will respond vulgarly and violently if he does. Unfortunately for Scallon, the battle between logic and blind passion is one that can’t really be won. Like how in reality the Cyclones beat the Hawkeyes this season, but in TC’s personal record book, they did not.

TC has dominated this matchup, winning all seven of their meetings, including last year’s beating TC put on the Express 159-89. Scallon will look to make up lost time with #1 power-ranked team this year.

most interesting
men in the world

Cuba imports cigars from them.
Mosquitos refuse to bite them purely out of respect.
In museums, they are allowed to touch the art.
Even their enemies list them as their emergency contact number.
They bowl overhand.
They can identify UFOs.

They’re polymaths, Renaissance men, Übermensch. Jack, the doctor, the scholar, the philosopher, father, runner, mustard/tuna/sardine connoisseur. Qualley, the auditor, the patron, the cosmopolitan, fiancée, runner, hunter/hiker/fishermen. Only one of them can win their respective rivalry, but they’ll both walk away better for it.

Qualley leads this series 3-2. Jack bested Qualley in last year’s rivalry week, but Qualley got his revenge in the opening round of the playoffs, knocking the Tufted Titmice out of contention.

iowa falls transplants

This rivalry, which could easily also be named the Smokeshow Shootout, as these two are obvious heavyweights in the Hottest Coaches in the IFL rankings, instead is a reference to their adopted status into the Iowa Falls class of 2010. Ewoldt, of course, being an Alden native, arrived at the height of junior high puberty and nerves, but was quickly beloved due to his natural coolness, and skater hair. Jesse arrived at the same time as the Aldenites (if memory serves), and everyone just assumed, he too was from Alden, even though he came from god knows where, and his upbeat personality and upbeat hair won us all over in short order.

Having met in the consolation playoffs last year, this rivalry has now tied Nick/Curtis for most meetings, having met each other 12 times, with Ewoldt leading the series 7 to 5. Jesse won rivalry week last year, but Ewoldt won in the consolation playoffs. Can Jesse be the first to stop the undefeated Course Rangers?

BACHELOR PARTY ABSENTEES

A friendship as old as time. One forged by being mutually manhandled by Rick and mutually loved by Becky. A storied friendship filled with fishing, terrible bands, and Halo. A friendship frayed by Brady’s moving to the desert, but one that persevered anyway, and still landed Brady as a groomsmen at Drew’s wedding. Drew’s bachelor party was optional for Brady, as he lived 1,500 miles away, but his absence was a scar that never faded on Drew’s psyche, a hurt that he would hold onto for four hard years. For when Brady’s bachelor party was explicitly scheduled in close proximity to Drew’s residence, as he was a groomsmen after all, Drew cashed in on his long held grudge, and returned the favor, no showing Brady’s multi-day celebration. Sometimes the best of rivalries were once the best of friendships.

The series tie was broken last year by Brady, who now leads 5-4. Drew last won this matchup in 2018.

FAILED MATHEMATICIANS

Everyone loves Good Will Hunting, but would the masses have loved Bad Tanner Hunting? The one where the mathematical genius doesn’t live up to his potential of making the world a better place by the power of math? Maybe that isn’t actually how Good Will Hunting ended, but I always viewed it was somewhat implied. Whatever the case, neither Hunt nor myself pursued our mathematical talents beyond academia, much to the chagrin of Miss Steiner and her greatest aspirations for us. Though she was as much our intellectual mentor as she was our spiritual cheerleader, and ultimately I like to think that Tanner and I’s pursuit of happiness is as worthy of cause as any. And maybe that’s how Good Will Hunting really ended. 🍎

The commish’ leads this series 4-2, with Hunt winning most recently in 2021.

Week 7 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
The Groovers
Coach Hunt
154.14 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Shirt Brothers
Coach Jord
D’onta Foreman - 34.5 pts
(Hunt’s Travis Kelce scored 39.9 pts but you can’t win both weekly awards)

We will continue to feature Ewoldt and Chris’ historic streaks until they are snapped. Deal with it.

In our Game of the Week, Ewoldt, fittingly, beats Drew 130-116, to extend his season to 7-0, becoming just the 4th coach ever to do so. Drew, famously, could not reach 7-0.

Those coaches, again, and how they finished:

  1. 2015 Anton’s Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory: 12-3, 2nd Place

  2. 2016 Brady’s The Twenty Deuce: 12-3, 1st Place

  3. 2019 Jesse’s 3-2-1 Spike: 9-6, 4th Place

And again, on the flipside, the yin to Ewoldt’s yang, Chris falls to 0-7, losing to Jesse this week 87-104, which is a bit rarer territory, as just two other coaches have ever pulled that off.

Those coaches:

  1. 2017 TC’s Dirty Mike and the Boys: 3-12, 15th

  2. 2020 Drew’s Team DrewBot: 2-12, 15th

The biggest surprise this week - Scallon Express hitting an unexpected road bump. Much like the 49ers losing to the Vikings, the unstoppable Express took a bit of a shellacking as underdog Brady’s James Cook and AJ Brown teed off, and helped to upset Scallon 131-104. Scallon snaps his 5 game win-streak, and falls to just a one-game lead in the Boy Scout Cyclones but is still the far and away #1 power-ranked team despite recent acquisistion Deebo Samuel being out for the next couple weeks. Brady’s team, on paper, is one of the worst we’ve ever seen, and yet has so much heart that that fact may be irrelevant. It is actually possible for him to take advantage of embarrassingly weak division, and contend for a token playoff berth, and this win puts him just a game back from the Cul-de-Sack leader Nick, who nearly got doubled up on this week by Jord 78-139.

In our other game of interest this week, Qualley and the DSM Football Team easily handle TC Schefter 117-82, which maintains his tie in Papa Jord’s with Papa Jord.

Tragically, falling out of the 4-way tie that Papa Jord had last week, is Austin and Goffpocalypse, who would lose to the team of the week, Hunt’s Groovers 112-154. The difference being nearly entirely Travis Kelce, who at 34 years old, put up a 40-burger. Unreal. Alas, the Moneyball streak was not meant to be, Austin. Perhaps calling it that somewhat jinxed it, or, perhaps, it made it even the slightest bit more possible? Who can say. Regardless, Papa Jord’s division remains extremely tight. Hunt, along with Jesse remain 3 games back from the undefeated Ewoldt, in X-IA, and continue to battle, but may be looking at a wildcard spot as their way in to the playoffs.

Finally, I would like to officially go on record and announce that I am cursed. After one too many jabs at Andrew “Voodoo Drew” Gustin, the evidence that he put a hex on me is overwhelming.

Let me lay it out for you. I didn’t notice anything was fishy until halfway through the 2021 season, when my second round draft pick Calvin Ridley went to Twitter to announce that, without warning, he would be stepping away from football for his mental wellbeing.

Now, kudos to him for getting the help that he needed, but it was a bizarre way to lose a player.

The following season, 2022, I would go on to lose 5 players to season-ending injuries and one to a 8-week MCL sprain:

  • 4th-Round Draft Pick Elijah Mitchell

  • 5th Round Draft Pick Darnell Mooney

  • 6th Round Draft Pick Rashod Bateman

  • 7th Round Draft Pick Trey Lance

  • $13 Waiver Acquisition Wan’Dale Robinson

  • $0 Waiver Acquisition Jimmy Garoppolo

Bear in mind, that all of those draft picks were picked either right before or right after Drew’s picks, as I was 15th and he was 16th…

That brings us to this season, which started off pretty normal: win the first two games, power-ranked #1, got a deep squad, led by rookie phenom Bijan Robinson, etc. Then week 3, my top 3 receivers are all out, and I lose to Brady by less than 2 points. Okay.

3 losses later brings us to week 7. We’re entering Byemageddon, but alas, my team is healthy.

Noon games kickoff and I see these messages from Brady:

Panicked, I scour the internet for information, but there is nothing indicating any kind of issue and everyone is just as confused as I am. At halftime of the game, after receiving 0 touches, Arthur Smith tells sideline report Kristina Pink that Bijan is “just not feeling all that great”.

The game ends with Bijan getting a single carry for 3 yards. Bijan said after the game that he began feeling weird Saturday night and was suffering from headaches Sunday.

It is a situation so stupid that the NFL has announced they will investigate the Atlanta Falcons and Arthur Smith for their failure to disclose the matter.

If that’s not categorical proof of a curse, then what is? HUH?! Please, Drew, make it stop. I have learned my lesson. I promise.

Dierks’ Heathens would go on to lose 78-112 to No Nonsense Nelson, their 5th straight loss. Spooky, right? 🎃

X-IA crushes it this week, and makes a play for top division, just 3 games back on Papa Jord’s now. Cul-de-Sack takes a nosedive, and are a truly awful division this year, which is something I can say, because I am spearheading our race to the bottom.

Chris, Qualley and Jesse all go 3 for 4 this week, keeping Chris and Qualley on top and Jesse attempts to claw his way out of the gutter.

The Commissioner

Week 6 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
DSM Football Team
Coach Qualley
142.03 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Scallon Express
Coach John
Roheem Mostert - 35.2 pts

After catching some heat last week for their weak schedule, the Course Rangers come out angry against T-Hunt, and pipe a bomb right down down the middle of a par 5, winning handily, 138-105. Ewoldt is now the 5th coach in 10 seasons to start off 6-0.

Out of curiosity, let’s take a look at how those coaches finished their seasons:

  1. 2015 Anton’s Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory: 12-3, 2nd Place

  2. 2016 Brady’s The Twenty Deuce: 12-3, 1st Place

  3. 2019 Jesse’s 3-2-1 Spike: 9-6, 4th Place

  4. 2021 Drew’s (F) Shak: 10-7, 4th Place

Pretty good company, and if history’s taught us anything, Ewoldt’s team, legit or not, has all but locked up a playoff spot.

On the other end of the spectrum, Chris loses again this week, this time to Jord, 90-100, and becomes the 6th ever coach in 10 seasons to start off 0-6.

Also curious, let’s look at those coaches’ finishes:

  1. 2017 TC’s Dirty Mike and the Boys: 3-12, 15th

  2. 2018 Aaron’s Mr Ziemann with 69 Kush Eunuchs: 5-10, 14th

  3. 2020 Drew’s Team DrewBot: 2-12, 15th

  4. 2020 Hunt’s Team Tlhunt: 3-11, 16th

  5. 2022 Nick’s Curtis’ Bronco Coat: 5-11, 11th

Sort of amazing Drew’s on both lists, huh? And the fact that his 6-0 start finished 4-7 in the final 11 weeks. But that is to say, Chris, all of these teams started to pick up some wins, and one, even finished the season 5-4. Godspeed, man.

Scallon’s trade with Chris for Deebo catapulted him into the #1 power-ranked spot and despite getting knocked out in his first game on the Express with a should injury, he would still cruise to victory behind two 30-point performances from Mostert and Kupp, beating the also 4-1 Nick and Curtis’ Bronco Coat 127-109. Nick, the hottest team in the league going into this week, took a bit of a hit with the news that Achane will be seeing a 4-week IR. Still, he remains in a two-game lead in the weak Cul-de-Sack division and may be able to bide his time. The Express has now won 5 in a row.

Big doings in X-IA, as Jesse and La Bamba string together back-to-back wins, fending off the seemingly back to full strength Tuna with Mustard, 103-96. Jesse claws his way back to .500, and has quietly been of the most consistently well-scoring teams in the league. The Doc falls to 2-4, which, amazingly, is the worst record he’s ever held after 6 weeks. He’s always been 3-3 or better.

The run I’ve been screaming about from a mountain-top since it began, my boys fell victim to this week, as Austin “Moneyball” Richards and Goffpocalypse rips off their third in a row, beating Dierks’ Heathens 122-98. Remember, the 2022 A’s won 20-straight, so we got a ways to go on this, but it’s promising after beginning the season 0-3.

With Qualley and the DSM Football team blowing off some steam against Brady 142-84, he also gets back to .500, and with TC’s narrow loss this week to Drew 83-85, that puts the entire Papa Jord’s division locked up at 3-3. I know who I’ve got my money on, but also wouldn’t count anyone there out.

For the second week in a row, virtually no movement in the overall division standings.

A harrowing week of pick ‘em, and look who’s back on top… last year’s pick ‘em champ.

The Commissioner

Week 5 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Curtis’ Bronco Coat
Coach Nick
150.47 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
No Nonsense Nelson
Coach Aaron
DJ Moore - 48.5 pts
*Nick’s Jamar Chase scored 54 points but you cannot win both weekly awards in the same week.

What’s more annoying? An undefeated Ewoldt or having the #1 power-ranked team in the league whose team also #%$&ing SUCKS. Sure, sure, Ewoldt may have the easiest schedule in the IFL (opponents averaging just 92.1 PPG), but after knocking off the fakers, Dierks’ Heathens, 100-84, the Course Rangers are just winning, baby. Defense wins championships, right?

Now, last week I hyped up Austin and Goffpocalpyse, and I don’t want to lose sight of the fact, that he picked up another win this week, beating Curtis 126-106, and is quietly starting his Moneyball A’s run I warned you about.

But right now, the hottest team in ̶b̶a̶s̶e̶b̶a̶l̶l̶ fantasy, is Nick and Curtis’ Bronco Coat. Or is it the Scallon Express? Nick just took command of the highest PPG on the season after laying 151 points on Qualley this week, and now leads the All-Play standings as well at 49-26. But the Scallon Express is 2nd in PPG, and 1st over the last 4 week, having now won 4 straight games, and besting Drew this week 133-112 to take over the Boy Scout Cyclone division. Nick has a two game lead in the Cul-de-Sack, and Ja’Marr “I’m Always Open” Chase’s 50-burger is a terrifying performance considering that the Bengals offense may be warming up. The Scallon Express; however, is unleashed, with Cooper Kupp returning, and up to his usual shenanigans, Breece Hall no longer on a snap count, and, the rich get richer, as Chris, curiously trades (unless countered by tonight) for the soon-to-be-backup Zack Moss, sending Deebo Samuel and $25 FAAB to the Express.

And there’s also TC Schefter, who yet again defies all known fantasy football experts, by trusting in Justin Fields, and polevaulting his 30-bomb into his 2nd straight win, doing Jord dirty 149-97. TC is the 3rd highest scoring team in the league, and spoiler alert, will be making some moves in this weeks’ expert power rankings. 👀

Now, we all love a good GMing, and Week 5 was quite the showcase, as Brady foresaw that his opponent, the Doc, was unlikely to be able to play his stud RB Aaron Jones, and frantically scooped up the backups for both the Packers and Raiders ahead of the announcement that Jones was indeed out for the game. The Doc, understandably hurt and betrayed, by this cold-hearted maneuvering from his opponent, could only play Zamir White, 3rd-stringer for the Raiders, who, unfortunately, did not see the field last night. That meant that Tuna with Mustard’s 2.5 point deficit would remain, and ALL-TIME D would pick up their 2nd win of the season.

The Doc had this to say when he realized what was going on:

You have to wonder if a win in the Iowa Fantasy League is worth losing your job over, huh B? Well yes, we unanimously agree that it is. So well played, Dean of Students. If it’s any solace to the Doc, most teams in this league do not have bench players that are so bad that they can just be tossed aside at a whim to grab two no-name RBs, and have no bearing on the rest of the season. But Brady’s roster is that bad.

Status quo in the division standings - near-zero movement.

Qualley takes over the leaderboard, as Ewoldt falls to 3rd. 👀

More Bijan. Sorry, not sorry.

The Commissioner

Iowa Fantasy League
18 member league

Champions to Date
2024 - Jord
2023 - Nick
2022 - Curtis
2021 - TC
2020 - Jack
2019 - TC
2018 - Drew
2017 - Jack
2016 - Matt
2015 - Zach
2014 - Nick
 

Season Awards
Champion: $445
Runner-Up: $70
3rd Place: $10
Regular Season Champ: $15
Division Winner: $35
Wild Card: $8
Pick 'Em Champ: $25

Weekly Awards
Highest Scoring Team = $15
Highest Scoring Player = $7