The Iowa Fantasy League’s 4th annual rivalry week is here. Winners of their respective rivalry will receive $10 FAAB.
Let’s take a look at the matchups:
TWIN DADDIES
What are the odds that two league members would have twins within a year of each other? With 1.5% of all pregnancies resulting in twins, a roughly 8-year window of nearly 20 children among the league, AI says 1 in 175 or 0.57% chance. Now what about guys that typically throw one pass and score two touchdowns? Considerably higher, one would have to guess. Real talk, Ewoldt & Chris, vasectomies are in your best interest.
The Twin Daddies enter on equal footing at 4-3 on the season, but Ewoldt has had the much stronger season beneath the surface, averaging 112 PPG to Chris’s 105 and sitting near the top of the league in all-play. Chris has the better power ranking at #5 and comes in on a two-game winning streak, while Ewoldt just rebounded with 117 points behind 32.55 from Jaxon Smith-Njigba. Ewoldt has dominated this series 8-2; however Chris did win most recently last year.
Richards Bros
How can you compete against little brother? No matter what they do, they’re always beloved. In Jord’s case, it’s really tough. Austin’s got a better beard, better Photoshop skills, and a greater appreciation for good names, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Jord will always have experience on his side, looks GOOD in a tank, and has recently forged himself into a superior golfer. Who’s better at Magic though? Well, that’s kind of a inconsequential, as they’re both terrible.
At 2-5 apiece, this year’s Richards Bowl carries considerably more family pride than playoff prestige, but the loser gets the particularly unpleasant distinction of falling to 2-6 at his brother’s hands. Jord has been the hotter Richards lately, averaging 108 over his last four and getting 26.5 from Bucky Irving and 20.8 from Puka Nacua last week. Austin sits slightly higher at #7 in the power rankings, but enters off just 87 points and now has to prove the experts know something the standings don’t. This series has flipped with Austin winning back-to-back meetings, and now leading 3-2.
scenic view drive basement wars
When I first moved to Iowa Falls, Nick’s house was a revelation. A finished basement. Virtually zero parental supervision. A fully stocked fridge and pantry. A kid’s dream. But as time went on, so too was my own basement finished. A space of my own, sure, but a space that could compete as THE spot to hang out. Nick’s basement has a bar? My basement gets a bar. Nick’s basement has a pool table? My basement gets a pool table. Run of the mill CRT at Nick’s? How about the world’s heaviest 4:3 big screen TV at Zach’s that would shortly upon it’s arrival get wax spilled down the inside of the screen, staining it permanently. The basement wars went on and on like this for some years, with Nick’s largely winning due to the aforementioned lack of supervision, but at their peak there was a truly unusual peace treaty between the basements that is still storied to this day. It was the fabled Halo 2 1v1s era, where so as to completely avoid screen cheating in any way and have the ultimate one-sided viewing experience, we would have one combatant play from my basement and one from Nick’s. I’m telling you the Scallon versus Nate 1v1s have fed and will continue to feed us for generations. While Nick ultimately won the war by default, as I moved away, the rivalry is continued anew in the IFL.
The Commish’ enters 6-1, riding a five-game winning streak and ranked #4, while Nick sits 3-4 at #13 with the league’s 16th-ranked scoring offense. The Commish’ has averaged a scorching 120 points over the last four weeks and just got 29 from Trey McBride and 27 from Drake Maye, though Nick did finally snap a four-game skid last week. This is one the IFL’s two most storied rivalries, as these two Cul-de-Sack foes have had 13 meetings, and Zach leads 9 to 4, with Nick winning most recently.
CYCLONES VS HAWKEYES
Scallon is the most sensible person I know. Despite being one of the biggest Cyclone fans in the country, he always holds himself to reason, and will adhere to its logic. TC is beyond a stan of the Hawkeyes, he is closer to a religious zealot or a freedom fighter, who will hear no slander against anyone or anything even tangentially related to the Hawkeyes, and will respond vulgarly and violently if he does. Unfortunately for Scallon, the battle between logic and blind passion is one that can’t really be won.
John has quietly ripped off four straight wins to reach 5-2 and #6 in the rankings, while TC has dropped two straight and fallen to #11 despite still averaging 112 PPG with one of the league’s best all-play records. TC’s offense showed signs of life again with 113.10 last week, but John’s steady 105 PPG and league-low scoring variance have made the Pineview Knights one of the IFL’s most reliable teams. TC has dominated this matchup, leading the series 6-2; however Scallon has won back-to-back meetings.
most interesting
men in the world
Cuba imports cigars from them.
Mosquitos refuse to bite them purely out of respect.
In museums, they are allowed to touch the art.
Even their enemies list them as their emergency contact number.
They bowl overhand.
They can identify UFOs.
They gave their fathers “the talk”.
They once went to a pyschic to warn the psychic.
Their blood smells like cologne.
They’re polymaths, Renaissance men, Übermensch. Jack, the doctor, the scholar, the philosopher, father, runner, mustard/tuna/sardine connoisseur. Qualley, the auditor, the patron, the cosmopolitan, father, runner, hunter/hiker/fishermen. Only one of them can win their respective rivalry, but they’ll both walk away better for it.
Jack enters 5-2, ranked #2, leading the league at 115 PPG, and owns the second-best all-play record in the IFL; Qualley is 4-3 but sits all the way down at #17 and averages 96. Jack’s five-game winning streak ended last week despite another 113 points, while Qualley won his second straight despite scoring only 75.22. Conventional statistics favor Jack heavily, but conventional statistics have never adequately measured either of these men. Qualley leads this series 4-3, and both coaches are looking to build upon their winning records this season.
SOUTH AMERICAN CONQUISTADORS
Long before Jesse and Tanner ever tangoed in the IFL, these two toiled over a hotly contested realm in the illustrious board game Risk. While they never housed as many of Linda’s Doritos as Jack, or downed as many cream sodas as I did, they did obsess over one thing, a specific geographical region in fact - South America. While it wasn’t as easily defensible as Australia, controlling South America gave you access to two crucial continents, from which you could launch your campaign, and whether it was the strategy of it, or just the exotic nature of the land, they would typically ensue in a 1v1 for the ground until one or the other was spent. It was most often to their detriment, as the winner would typically be weakened and easily destroyed by another adjacent opponent who the pair had previously just ignored. And here they are, battling it out again.
Few matchups better illustrate the absurdity of the power rankings. Hunt is 1-6 but somehow still #3, while Jesse is 5-2 and somehow #15. To make matters even stranger, they produced the two lowest scores in the entire league last week - Hunt at 59.66 and Jesse at 58.09. Jesse has the vastly superior season résumé, but if history has taught him anything in this rivalry, it’s that controlling more territory doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to win the war. This series is all knotted up 6-6, but incredibly Hunt has won 5 straight.
BACHELOR PARTY ABSENTEES
A friendship as old as time. One forged by being mutually manhandled by Rick and mutually loved by Becky. A storied friendship filled with fishing, terrible bands, and Halo. A friendship frayed by Brady’s moving to the desert, but one that persevered anyway, and still landed Brady as a groomsmen at Drew’s wedding. Drew’s bachelor party was optional for Brady, as he lived 1,500 miles away, but his absence was a scar that never faded on Drew’s psyche, a hurt that he would hold onto for four hard years. For when Brady’s bachelor party was explicitly scheduled in close proximity to Drew’s residence, as he was a groomsmen after all, Drew cashed in on his long held grudge, and returned the favor, no showing Brady’s multi-day celebration. Sometimes the best of rivalries were once the best of friendships.
There may not be playoff implications here, but there is something arguably more important: avoiding the absolute bottom of the barrel. Brady and Drew are both 1-6, both average exactly 87 PPG, and occupy the bottom three of the power rankings at #16 and #18. Brady has lost three straight, Drew five straight, and they scored 71.22 and 68.22 respectively last week. Brady leads this series 6-3, and has won their last 4 out of 5 meetings.
LEGITIMATE RIVALS
I don’t know how many of our rival pairings have physically fought each other, I know Nick and I did in an illegal backyard UFC match and a Socker Boppers boxing deathmatch, but Clay and Joe certainly have. Their rivalry began at Joe’s birth and was made worse over basement basketball 1v1s with big bro, pullups in the backyard, state championship baseball teams, Gameboys, Pokemon cards, you name it, they fought over it. But that’s just brothers for you. You hate, you love, you love to hate. And now, they have the IFL Rivalry Week to fight over. You’re welcome, boys.
With Clay being a rookie, this is their first ever meeting!
cedar valley government employees
You wouldn’t think Daddy and Aaron have much in common, in fact, many would say they have exactly zero things in common, but that’s not true. They both enjoy living in obscurity in Cedar Falls, when they could easily live in Des Moines among their friends. They both enjoy sucking the government’s ample tit dry. And they both have a son. Aaron’s son may be 32 years old and still living with him, but hey, at least he pays rent.
This might be the most evenly matched rivalry game of the week. Daddy holds the edge in the standings at 5-2 to Aaron’s 4-3, but they’re separated by only three points in scoring average, and their all-play records are nearly identical. Daddy comes in off a 110-point win powered by Tony Pollard’s enormous 37-points, while Aaron stumbled to 85.41 despite getting 25.4 from Quinshon Judkins. Aaron leads this series 3-2 all-time.